Lord, Please Take My Mullet Back

Trade the Face...and that's me.

I always say how I want to start blogging again but I find myself getting to consumed with who will like my post, who will read it, and before long I have talked myself out of writing.  I have a problem with feeling good enough and I need people’s approval to keep moving.  It is that cuss word as my husband calls it “validation.” 

My entire life I have always needed people to tell me how great I am.  I know that seems so pathetic but it is my curse, the thorn in my side.  Growing up I always worked hard in school, tried to keep my room clean, and do anything to please my parents…I am even sad enough to admit, when I finally moved out of my parents house I sought my mom’s approval on how I organized the food in my fridge. Regardless of the validation I worked so hard to get…I never got it.  Instead I always got it in other areas of my life…the ones that I did not care so much about. 

It is so funny how the tables have turned.  Although I still want to be told that my house looks nice and clean, that my students actually enjoyed my class that day, I am suffering from the very thing my parents went over the top to validate me with.

Just recently I got married and as every bride does I worked hard to make sure I looked special on my wedding day.  I went to the gym, ate right, and even ignored the begging of my sweet tooth to make sure I looked and felt amazing while I greeted my groom.  

However, in a few short months I could not fit in my wedding dress right now if I wanted to…LITERALLY.  To make matters worse when a woman does not feel good about herself what does she do?  Some of us eat, some of us shop, and well I went to get a haircut.  Talk about a MISTAKE.  Every day since Christmas I find myself hating my hair more.  Now, let me explain this situation.  Some of you may be thinking “you went to get a haircut you should have known what you were walking into.”    Well not this chick.  I had long hair down to the middle of my back.  I wanted long layers and bangs, needless to say as my stylist (who I met for the first time as she showed me to her chair) begin to cut, I noticed that it started to look like a mullet.  A 1982 MULLET, I might add.  “Are you serious?”  Yes, I am as serious as serious can be.  So here I am a newlywed that wants to look hot for her new husband, if you get my drift and I have gained weight and now I have a mullet.  I am fat with a mullet…perfect.  Every day I look in the mirror, I hate myself more and more.  I have never been one to be down on my body or my looks or feel so unconfident like I do now.

Now it would not be fair for me to carry on with this story without telling you about my husband.  He is amazing and every time I beat myself up he is right there behind me supporting and encouraging me.  He tells me how beautiful I am and how there is no one like me.  He is my soul mate.

Just recently my life group at has started reading Made to Crave.  Although I am in chapter one I have been so convicted.  I took on this book thinking heck yeah…I am about to get skinny and as I read through the introduction I realized how vain I really am.  This book does not provide a diet that will push me to my ideal weight, but a book that will help push me closer to my creator.  My creator who formed me the way he wanted me to be. 

One of the main points from the beginning of my reading was, “We feel overweight physically but underweight spiritually.”  This is me.  Like I mentioned earlier I suffer from approval and this truly affects my relationship with Jesus.  I don’t even feel good enough for him.  So instead of trying to push closer to Him, I pull away and focus on myself.  I try to fix myself before I go to Him, that way I can be the perfect daughter.  I am beginning to realize that Jesus wants me as I am.  He wants me to come to Him broken and lay before His cross so He can mend me and fill me up.    

2^nd Corinthians 12: 7-10  – Message

Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

   My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
   My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

Lord Jesus, Please help me remember that you are my strength –in all things, my weight, my confidence, and even my bad haircut.

The Mystery Behind Three Letters

Have you ever just wandered why?  Well I do all the time.  I wonder why I am going through something.  Why is there pain?  Why I am numb?  Why don’t I just understand?  And literally my WHY list can keep growing and going. 

 

That simple 3 letter word has played a really big part in my life here lately.  And to be honest it always has.  I think that every time we go through something we ask “why?” The answer may not be obvious at first but sometimes it finally reveals itself; while at other times, it takes us deeper into a dark tunnel to hide its true purpose.    To think the mystery that is hidden behind just three letters. 

 

I really do not want to revisit all I my past posts but here is a quick recap of the times I have asked that targeted question: 

 

Alone…single…Pride…Test and fail times three equals test for the fourth and final time.  No money while waiting.  Job or no Job….bad economy, so I hope I get to keep job.  Major stress…bills due….missing important events in life and becoming bitter.  Realizing there is a problem….and scream.

 

Ha!  I can not believe that I just recapped everything that fast. 

 

So yes I feel like I have tried to find the purpose of many of my situations.  I pray over and over, “God, please show me your plan, show me your purpose.”  AND then WHAM!  Tonight things finally started to piece together.  I have been reading in John for the past few weeks and I love it when someone teaches on what I have been reading.

 

Well the other night I was reading John 15, where it talks about Jesus and the Vine.  And to be honest I did not give the meaning of these verses enough credit.  I was just reading and saying, “Yes I am a Christ follower, I know I have to produce fruit, yes, Jesus is the true vine………and so on.”  But my problem was that I did not read deep enough into what the Lord wanted me to learn.  So He had to find another way to get it across.  And so tonight I learned:

 

John 15:2 says “…he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more.” 

 

He Prunes?  Why?

 

To Pruneà  to cut or lop superfluous or undesired twigs, branches, or roots from; trimd

 

And then it clicked.  God is pruning me.  He is taking away the undesired things about me.  He is trimming away all that I do not need so I can bear more fruit for him.  I love how my friend put it.

 

We are part of the VINE (Jesus)—the BRANCHES (us) need PRUNING—pruning causes PAIN—but later produces more FRUIT—(John 15:16)—SO that the Father will give you whatever you ask for.

 

Meaning that we have to go through things, we have to be pruned; things have to be trimmed out of our lives because bearing more fruit for the Father is what is most important. And as we do what the father wants because he has chosen us (vs. 16) he then will give us what we ask for.

 

As I am being pruned I am being prepared.  Wow!  Isn’t that amazing?  I know that having things cut away may hurt.  I may even ask why as I go through these things….but to now know the answer is what feels my heart!  To know that I am being prepared to do the Father’s work. 

 

John 15

The Vine and the Branches

 1-3 “I am the Real Vine and my Father is the Farmer. He cuts off every branch of me that doesn’t bear grapes. And every branch that is grape-bearing he prunes back so it will bear even more. You are already pruned back by the message I have spoken.

 4“Live in me. Make your home in me just as I do in you. In the same way that a branch can’t bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can’t bear fruit unless you are joined with me.

 5-8“I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you’re joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can’t produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples.

 9-10“I’ve loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you’ll remain intimately at home in my love. That’s what I’ve done—kept my Father’s commands and made myself at home in his love.

 11-15“I’ve told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature. This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends. You are my friends when you do the things I command you. I’m no longer calling you servants because servants don’t understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I’ve named you friends because I’ve let you in on everything I’ve heard from the Father.

 16“You didn’t choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won’t spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you.

 17“But remember the root command: Love one another.

In tired times, rest calls

9/30/08

I really can not explain these past few weeks.  Except for tired.  I am so tired.  I have come up with some blog titles and known that I should write something on some of the things that I have learned from my Bible reading and even church.  But the problem, is that I have been so consumed with other things that have been going on.  Last week my best friend’s mother in law passed and my heart has really been with her and the family.  I wanted to make sure that I was doing the right thing as a friend.  I found comfort being at her house, just cleaning up.  That was a way that I knew she would know that I was there for her.  Just doing the little things so she would not have to worry about it getting done. 

 

Work has been crazy busy.  I feel like I walk around in darkness while I am there.  I am so behind.  Grades are due next week and I have a pile of things to finish up before they go out.  I am also in charge of a lot of activities at work and those things have consumed me.  I feel like we meet everyday about something.  And sometimes those meetings are about the most petty stuff I have ever heard of…and I hate to say it but I feel like some of our “meetings” are such a  waste.  And I really do try to get something out of every meeting.  I guess you could say that my mind is moving in a million directions while I am there I am just trying to make a plan of all that I need to accomplish before the days end.

 

There are problems with my grandfather and maw maw.  We just found out that my maw maw is not going to be able to leave the nursing home, and will probably be there for the rest of her life.  Last week when I went to visit her she broke down in tears with me.  My grandfather does not have good eyesight and does not have a driver’s license but still drives to see her and visit with her everyday.  My fear is that he is going to get pulled over or go through a lincense check and get busted.  I hurt so bad for him because I know that he is so lonely.  I try to do as much as possible for them as I can, but I have other responsibilities to take care of. 

 

The other night my friend talked about time.  There are times in life that I feel like I need more of it.  But I guess the best thing about all I am facced with is that God knows what is going on  and he is providing enough time for me throughout the day to accomplish all that I need to work on.  Maybe when I feel like there is not enough…he is saying yes, Megan let me let the day end…so you can rest and regain your strength to continue later.

 

All this might be a blur and not even make sense, but it was just something that I needed to say.  Just pray for me.  As I worry, I get stressed and I know that it what the devil wants me to do.  I refuse to be suckered into a worrying lifestyle.  I may not be able to control what happens next,  but atleast I can learn to control my reaction and make God the center of my decisions.  So yes, please pray that I am findng God’s purpose in each of these “struggles” that I encounter.  I am learning and growing and trying to make the best of each of the things that I go through.  So for once in a very long time, I am about to go to bed at 9pm.  HA!  If you know me, then you know that this is SO not like me.  But when tired comes, rest calls.

I have lost the mask and won the battle

9/15/2008

 

This past week has been pretty interesting, awkward, and emotional. As I mentioned in my last entry I had to miss out on the Beauty Within Seminar and take the test of my nightmares.  I really hated missing out on Beauty Within…but from what I hear it was an AMAZING SUCCESS.  I finally arrived as Matt was singing his last song and it was wonderful.  I have really been trying to understand why I needed to go through this situation.  I know that God knows how important it was for me to be part of the seminar and how important it is for me to be part of it as we take it on the road.  I along with the team really do feel that God wants us to move it out and about.  We are really excited about making it something that God wants us to. 

 

So, why was this an emotional week for me? 

As I showed up Friday night to help with the finishing touches I began to get very bitter.  I was so upset that I was not going to be involved at the event.  Actually, I felt so left out that I literally could not stand it.  I even found myself alone at one point and was almost at the point of tears because I knew that it was going to be such a success and I was not going to be there to enjoy it with the rest of the team.   To be very honest…it was no one’s fault…This was just something that God wanted me to grow from and I was not willing to bloom from this occasion.  All I really wanted to do was pout.

 

And now looking back—I feel like such a loser!

 

You see, this past Saturday and Sunday night I learned something about myself…something I do not like.

 

This weekend’s theme was Just as I am…No Regrets.  The speakers really pushed the guests to be who they really are and to take off their masks.  Each person involved even wore a mask and as they shared their testimony….they took their masks off.  What a great visual symbol. 

 

So here I go…taking off yet another layer of the mask that I wear. 

 

I have an issue with Pride.  Saturday night things began to slowly come together.  My friend, while singing at Joyful noise began to speak about how he too has struggled with Pride.  He talked about how he would look at people and wonder why they were doing so great in the music industry and how he knew he could do just the same….

 

People like this are important to me.  When others share their hurts, pain, and issues it really does teach me things about myself…maybe things that I need to watch out for…and sometimes like in this situation—I need to change.

 

Me not being there on Saturday was an opportunity for me to be humbled.  And I refused to go through it.  Being unhappy about my situation was so much easier than discovering the problem that I have with myself.  PRIDE!  What an ugly word.  You know sometimes we think of pride being a good thing…having pride in your school and sometimes even mimicking the idea of confidence.  BUT for me it became cockiness.  One definition of pride states:  to reflect credit upon oneself…and to have credit…and to be given credit is what I wanted.  You know sometimes when people…as I like to call it “Blow smoke up your butt”…it makes you feel so good about yourself you forget about all the other people that helped you get to where you are going…you forget about the ones that helped you grow along the way and the situation becomes all about you.  Well now as I look back on this situation and have seen the mistake I have made I am truly humbled.  I am so sorry and embarrassed about how I acted.  Sometimes it is hard knowing that you are missing out on things that are important to you…but one thing that I have truly learned about this situation is that even though I may not like it…GOD REALLY DOES HAVE A PLAN.  He wanted to teach me something.  He wanted to teach me something about myself that could eventually hurt my relationship with him, my family, my friends, and others I come in contact with.  He knew that we needed to get a handle on it now before it caused major damage. 

 

Just to prove that God knows what he is doing…JEREMIAH 29:11

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

 

WOW I just love this verse…what comfort and encouragement in a time like this!  To my friends…thanks for being there for me this week…even though I have really struggled about why…you have been there for me and lifted me up.  It is because of you that I am growing daily with the Lord….thank you so much for you encouragement and prayers!

PIECE of CAKE

09/06/2008

 

 

Ok…so let me take you back. A little over a month ago I had to take a very important test that basically decides my future. For those of you that do not know I am a teacher and I needed to take and pass the PRAXIS II test for social studies. Well, now let’s go back to February….February is when I started studying for this test…and in March I took ROUND #1. I really did not put that much effort into studying for the test because I had co-workers saying that since I have been teaching for 3 years I should be fine and I should pass…well March passed and in April I received my test results…FAIL. So I reregister again not worrying because I knew the test was hard…I mean there was stuff on the test that I have never in my life ever…and I mean EVER heard of before. ROUND #2—So this time I put way more effort into studying since I knew what I was up against…and well I raised my score by an unbelievable amount. The bad news I FAILED…the GOOD news I was only 9 points from passing  ROUND #3—During this study session I have to admit that I not only grew in my knowledge of history…but in the LORD. I finally reached an understanding of who Christ was and what he was wanting from me. I praised him and I even claimed Victory in HIS NAME…that I would pass my test. Just last week I received my grade and—WHAT!!! I FAILED…I FAILED are you sure? I thought I claimed victory in the Lord’s name? What was going on? Words…emotions…what ever you want to call it could not describe my disappointment. I just knew that I was going to pass. I was soooo excited to be able to run through the halls at work and church…and wherever the Lord wanted to take me to praise his name. I just did not understand what was going on. This week has been horrible. I refuse to let myself get depressed, but I have cried…A LOT! You see I am registered for the next test, which is Saturday and the day of our Searching for the Beauty Within Seminar…and that really has upset me the most. I am trying and even searching for WHY? I know that there are things in our lives that happen everyday that we question and throw out the WHY card…or even for me the whine card. I feel like that is all I have been doing asking WHY and WHINING! I am sick of this! I ask myself what does God want to teach me. What possible could I learn? To be honest I am just stuck in the feelings of the unknown. No matter what I go through I want to show that I do have faith in God…and even as I write this sentence I think of a friend who like me…may be asking God why…and also wants to have faith in her situation. SO being a studier of history…we are taught to evaluate situations and try to discover reasons behind certain things that happen. Don’t worry I am not going to bore you with all the scenarios that involve being a history major…but I am going to think about the possible reasons of this happening to me. Ok…so let’s remember that #1 I prayed that I would pass the test and I out loud claimed it as a victory in Jesus’ name. When I found out that I failed, I began thinking what exactly was the test??? Was the test me passing the Praxis…or something else that God has in store? I have a friend that always says, “Megan if we believe that God has chosen our steps for us”…Meaning he knows what is going to happen and there is a reason behind it…”don’t you think that he wants you to learn something from this situation.” YES…so what is IT? Last Sunday Richard taught a lesson on Nicodemus…using John 3 John 3 1 There was a man named Nicodemus, a Jewish religious leader who was a Pharisee. 2 After dark one evening, he came to speak with Jesus. “Rabbi,” he said, “we all know that God has sent you to teach us. Your miraculous signs are evidence that God is with you.” 3 Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, unless you are born again,[a] you cannot see the Kingdom of God.” 4 “What do you mean?” exclaimed Nicodemus. “How can an old man go back into his mother’s womb and be born again?” 5 Jesus replied, “I assure you, no one can enter the Kingdom of God without being born of water and the Spirit. Ok…so what I got out of this lesson is 1 Nicodemus—recognized who Christ was…but then all Christ said back to him…was the most important answer…and that being the answer of how to enter the Kingdom of God. I have really thought about this and some of the things that I did before I received test #3s results. I went around like Nicodemus “recognizing who Christ was” but never did I explain the importance of the truth and that was telling others about Christ and how believing in him is what got you into the kingdom of God. I mean Jesus had to tell him twice how important it was to be born again for him to get it. Another idea of my “test.” For the first time my dad and I were able to have…well at least end in a positive way–spiritual conservation. You see I feel that my mom and dad need to be better spiritual role models for me. I feel that there are a lot of things that I could have avoided in life if they would have spoken up about the way I was living. We all know that we can not hide from our parents and they always find out eventually…well I know they knew the things I was doing but the never spoke up. SO maybe the test was just ending positive with my dad and sharing my heart with him….and hopefully through this conservation we can learn to work together and compromise. I also feel that this could have been major validation from my mom. She actually suggested that I move to Tennessee… for those of you who don’t know I have always wanted to move there…and for the past 3 years…I look into jobs and apartments and houses just to see my options but I am always afraid of “mommy”…and she finally gave me some approval on that one. NO I am not saying I am moving now…but I will if that is the door that God opens. Tonight my friend Ashley said that maybe that was God just giving me briefing of what is to come…you see if I had things my way I would have already passed my praxis…but since I now know that I don’t always win…I am being humbled into a new creation. Still I would love to pass my test. I do have responsibilities here. I am the only one here to take care of my grandparents (a long—story—maybe in another blog), I have kids in my class and teachers that I know I can make an impact on with the Lord’s help…and other responsibilities. So I would love to pass my test, stay here, and maybe if it be the Lord’s will…look for a job in TN for next year (over the summer)…and move. But all in all, I want to grow in the Lord. I am truly being broken so I can learn TRUE TRUST. It hurts knowing that I will not be at the BWI Seminar on Saturday…but I know that there is a reason WHY I have to take the test…so now as I approach test # 4…I am not allowing a sense of worry to settle in. I can endure this…you know this week I have been reading in 1 & 2 Timothy and how Paul was in jail…and in chains…if he can handle that…then this is a PIECE of CAKE…so friends as I close I am asking for your prayers and God’s complete and perfect will. I am learning lessons daily. I am praying that in no way shape or form this week do I get envious of those in the BWI…cause I had to give up my role in that day…maybe God new I would become prideful cause I would be on stage….I know that I can be used by him…and I need to remember that his plan is perfect and so is his time. So maybe test #4 is where he wants me to pass…maybe it is test #15…but regardless…I am doing it for his glory!

Living to Tell the Tale

08/23/2008

 

I have been wanting to blog for so long but I just have not had the time. I am about to start work next week…and boy am I ready. My summer has been busy/crazy. I have grown so much over the summer and really discovered a lot about myself and the direction God is moving me…He is now my passion. Earlier this year my friend Holly asked me if I loved him 100%…and to be honest I broke down in tears realizing that there were things in my life that I was trying to control, things that I was not giving to God to handle. I think when we control things in a sense it makes us feel better. But the realization is that in the end we feel even worse. Most of you who know me, know my struggle and that if anything I am surviving. But really what does it mean to survive…it means to “endure”….“to live to tell the tale.” I love that! Live to tell the tale. WOW…I am living and I am telling. I know that the youth girls at church and even some of my friends have experienced the journey with me. They have seen the ups and downs, the tears and smiles. There are times when I have been fed up with my situation…but now I know that I am telling the tale…and that telling with JOY it is something that God wants me to do. As I move on in my life I don’t want to look back at this time and see bitterness and pain…I want to know that I experienced something that has remarkably changed me and made me who Christ has intended me to be. Spiritual Growth is something that is important to me. There have been times in my life when reading that Bible was something that I was not consistent with. We know that when we read God’s word we are then held accountable for what we learn…I think this goes back to me handling situations on my own. Then there have been times when I have read the word and just did not get it. But now…that I know that I am totally in LOVE with Christ…I read…comprehend…and place the teachings into my daily walk. I want people to look at me and know that I follow Christ. I want to reach people at my job, at my church, and even that stranger in the mall. I mean when it all comes down to it…we may never know the true reason that someone has been placed in our lives…but I know that I want people to see me and see Christ. As for the youth girls at church…I know that one reason I am single is because of them….so that they can see a female role-model…following Christ and his principles…and so I can relate to them. I want them to see me enduring with joy and I want to watch them do the same. Surviving does not necessarily mean being happy all the time. But I am trying to find peace in my wait. I love what my friend told me that other day…she said that it was obvious that I am growing and in love with Christ and maybe God is not waiting on me…maybe he is just waiting on him…meaning my future husband. The thing is this…I know that I am already in love with my husband and I have not even met him…or have I??? I may not confirmation on who he is or where he is from… but what I do know is that God has designed us to be a perfect match and that as I wait I will continue to grow because when we do join as one I want to be the best wife and mother that I can be. I want to make sure that I am becoming the woman that God wants me to be, so as husband and wife we can fulfill the plan God has for our marriage. Ephesians 3:20– 20-21God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

Rollercoaster Journey

05/06/2008

 

 

Life has been so unexplainable these past few weeks. My emotions have been up and down like a rollercoaster. I believe that it all started when one of my friends asked if I was 100% in love with Jesus. I know that I try to be. I try to live my life completely fulfilled with Christ…but then the requirements of everyday overwhelm me. Church is something that I need and I know that it is something that keeps me focused through out the week. Here lately I feel that every time I walk in the building I leave feeling tired and sometimes crying. Sometimes I know where the emotions stem from and others I have no idea. I don’t have a lot of people in my life where I can have “spiritual growth” conversations with. I long to have these conservations, talking to myself just doesn’t cut it. I mean I could carry on a conversation with myself all day but what would I really learn from that. My own opinions, my own voice—don’t get me wrong sometimes those things are good and needed but I need people that want to hear my voice and listen to my opinion….and then I need time to hear their voice so I can learn and grow from the Christ-like guidance that they offer. I guess this is the hardest part about my struggle. I try to “embrace” it but I can’t. At least right now I can’t. It seems that as I grow older and as time goes on, the more time I have to spend alone. I am at a point where I resent being alone. I sit at home alone. I shop alone. I watch movies alone. I go out to eat alone—and when I share these stories it makes me look tough …but really only I know that I go out to eat at 4pm before the dinner crowd arrives. Ha! This is a joke. I was reading in my book “Lady in Waiting”—something to help me with this struggle—and it talked about this girl who was single…and she struggled with singleness and eating dinner alone. She would always pick something up on the way home (ME) and eat in front of the TV (ME) not making the most of her meal. The story continues by her spending time with God and him revealing to her that she was good enough for China; even if she ate off her good china alone. I wish I could do this. I mean I could if I knew how to cook more than macaroni and cheese and actually owned china. I really do not know why I added that story in…but I guess I admire that girl and every once and a while I think about her when I sit in front of my TV and eat my take out. I want to grow and learn the things that God is wanting to teach me. I know that the way I feel has purpose but right now I can not see past my tears. There are days that I am fine and others I feel as if I can barely make it. Today I told a friend—in response to her blog— at least I know that I am surviving…because that is the only reason I feel the pain. To survive means — to endure or live through (an affliction, adversity, misery, etc.) I may not be happy all the time, and to be honest right now I may be crying more than I ever have. My heart may feel heavy but I know that I am surviving…I am enduring the pain and continuing with this journey. I guess this is where you could say I am on a rollercoaster—-My emotions are on a rollercoaster—- and my prayer is that all of this makes me stronger as I continue. Lord, as I grow closer in my walk with you teach me peace and understanding. I may not realize all that I am learning during this time in my life but one day please bring it full circle so that I can understand why this situation was meant for me to go through. Lord please hold my hand when I am weak. I need to feel your touch so I can continue to push through the pain. Please lift the heaviness from my heart and teach me to lean on you instead of trying to hold the hurt in. Lord thank you for teaching me the skills of survival and please continue to do so. These things will help me learn to rely on you more. Lord, as I continue on this journey please continue to teach me the true meaning of love. Lord I thank you for these things. Amen.